February 17, 2014
Yes, it's that time again. I've reached that point in life where it's time to put everything on the table, and re-examine it. This involves disassembling my current values, thoughts, and beliefs. I feel that a closer look is needed; some "fine-tuning," is in order. I equate it to getting an engine tuned-up for best performance. This does not necessarily mean getting rid of anything, rather looking at the relationship the parts have with one another; how they help or hinder the overall performance of the "engine." Many times this may consist of a small adjustment of a few parts; sometimes it requires us to dig deeper and replace parts that play a very important role. At this moment, I feel a major overhaul is in order. There's a "miss" that I can't seem to get rid of, no matter how many small adjustments I make on the engine, and I believe it's a warning in its own right.
The warning lights have been coming on consistently. "CHECK BELIEF SYSTEM," "SERVICE VALUES SOON," "MORALE LOW," are but a few of them that I have noticed fairly recently. Similar to a naive teenager who keeps driving even though the "CHECK OIL," light is illuminated, and a knocking sound is heard from under the hood, I have been ignoring many warnings that make themselves known to me. I just kept on going, thinking I was "high on the hog," and that I was doing all right. I didn't realize that I had fallen asleep yet again, while I admonished others against doing so. I wasn't so much on a pulpit, condemning everyone's actions, yet I wasn't exactly quiet about things either. Even though it was toned down a bit, the message still broadcast loudly enough to be heard. "WAKE UP, YOU ZOMBIES! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING ON?" Did I see what was going on? Not at the moment. I may as well have been screaming, "HEY! YOU KNOW WHAT? I FELL BACK ASLEEP AGAIN! ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?"
Admittedly, it's easy to get caught up in the behaviors of social situations, especially when it involves engaging in certain behaviors that might become dangerous if not kept in check. Thankfully, I've been able to "keep it inside the lines," Unfortunately, I've seen too many that are unable to do so, and I have assisted them in their times of need to make it home safely, so to speak. I didn't mind it at all...the first several times I did it. When the days that it happened outnumbered the days it didn't, that's when it started to get to me. I started to feel resentment about being a "babysitter," for them. I also started to wonder if I was enabling them in the process. Newsflash: A designated driver is not a babysitter, and they might not do it for you every single time you are in need. Better have another plan of action just in case they tell you NO. I don't like leaving them to fend for themselves in this way, but as someone who has an addictive personality, I can tell you that if you give someone an inch, they'll take another inch...and another...and another. Until, it becomes a mile.
So the question is, do I become the doormat of convenience, or do I stand up and illustrate the boundary of which I will not cross, nor allow someone else to? I think I know the answer to that one. Contrary to popular belief, not all musicians are alcoholics or drug abusers that want to spend countless hours playing drinking games or stay up until the wee hours of the morning. I have had this talk with a few of my friends, and they understand where I'm coming from. I appreciate you validating what I have to say; it means a lot to me.
I haven't totally forgotten what I have learned in such a short time, but I do have difficulty remembering it, especially when a moment comes that tests me. Sometimes I still fall prey to old tricks, because the behavior I react to them with is deeply rooted within the neural pathways of my brain. Even though I have learned a new strategy to deal with said undesirable situation, it's still too fresh to over-write the old coping mechanisms. Once they do take hold, they will remain their for a very long time, just as the other ones did. Coming to grips with the fact that I DO have problems keeping my life under control (obligations, commitments, sleep, nutrition, health, and exercise,) was not an easy thing to do. It wasn't a matter of I SHOULD do something about this. Feeling guilty isn't enough to motivate me to make changes in my life. This was a matter of I MUST do something about this. It WAS affecting me in adverse ways, as well as others. If I was living with someone right now, they'd be stir crazy, I'm almost certain of it. Things that need to be done aren't getting done, because moments are spent in non-productive ways.
Wait...am I beating myself up again? Perhaps a little. Still, there are obligations that everyone must meet if they are going to exist in modern society. Things cost money, Bills must be paid. Debts are to be honored. They don't care if I get nervous every time I get one that I freeze up in horror, wondering if/when/how I can take care of it. But that's what happens; I freeze up, and then put it off until it's already late. There's a voice inside of me screaming about how irresponsible and lazy I am. I know that voice, and that person I do my best to keep away from if at all possible. It's not me, yet it has tremendous power over the guilt and shame that exist within my mind. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet my Critical Inner Parent! The voice that brought you, "You're a lazy bum," "All you think about is yourself," "Why don't you just get over it?" "You're Crazy!" and so many other greatest hits. Not sold in ANY store! One-of-a-kind, no two are alike!
I could go on and on about how I felt mistreated as a child, but I've done that already,so let's move on, shall we? This writing illustrates just what I'm referring to. It's much too easy to let things spiral out of control, and go from one tangent to another, ad nauseam, and lose my point entirely. I find it VERY hard to stay focused on just one idea, because so many of them just present themselves to me, and it can bring on a sense of overwhelm. I visualize this as a downward (or upward) spiral that never ends on either side of the spectrum. Any sense of balance becomes non-existent, like a perpetual motion machine that moves in only one direction permanently. Theoretically, it's impossible, but not to my ego-driven mind! Whichever way you look at it, disastrous consequences were almost always looming around the corner...and the inevitable CRASH followed. Recovery was always slow and painful. Did I lose track again? I really don't know.
See, I spent years treating symptoms of how I was feeling. These were legitimate feelings, and were a result of the brain working much to hard to interpret life to me. It was exhausted and needed a break. Those things I spoke so negatively about (DEPRESSION, ANGER, ANXIETY) actually were there to serve me in some capacity. Of course, the ways they did weren't always looked upon with approval by others (parents, educators, family, friends,) I took these "warning lights," and interpreted them as "All hell is going to break loose, so do whatever you think is necessary to protect yourself. Freak out on them if you have to. Scream. Yell, Kick, Hit. Bite. ATTACK! Make them afraid of YOU!" I did exactly that. For a while it seemed OK, because the tables were turned, and that I was getting treated differently. It wasn't until much later that I started seeing the effects it had on those who WANTED to be a part of my life. I was pushing them away, and that's the last thing I wanted to do. I felt the pain of loneliness, and it hurt like nothing else. That's when I woke up and saw the damage I was doing to myself, and even to others. I didn't like what I was seeing.
You know what happens when you drive around with an engine that has no oil, no coolant, and at full RPM...somehow, some way, something is going to break. It may spin a bearing, distort or crack the block, or even throw a connecting rod! Whatever it was, I knew it was going to blow up soon if I didn't stop in my tracks. I slammed on the brakes, and turned the "engine" off almost immediately. I could see the "smoke" rising from under the hood, and I shuddered to think about what damage I had caused. Remnants of vital fluids were leaking all over the ground, and a few parts had loosened to the point of nearly falling off. Those parts were my BELIEFS, VALUES, and SELF-ESTEEM. I caught a ride with a good friend, and he helped me to bring back my damaged self into the repair shop of SELF-CARE. This started me on a journey to repair my damaged self, and to find ways to maintain it in good running condition. It took a while to get some of the bugs out of it and get it to rev to a sufficient RPM. It still had a miss that I just took for granted. "Oh it's nothing, I'll tend to it later. Probably the ignition system. No biggie." I was stronger than I had been in a long time, so it was easy to overlook it.
I tell people that I know enough to be dangerous, and I'm partially joking. Seriously, if you know anything about cars, the IGNITION system is a very important part of it all. If you don't, it's what creates the spark that combines with the FUEL vapors to create COMBUSTION, pushing down the PISTON and CONNECTING ROD, which is connected to the CRANKSHAFT. This reciprocating motion becomes rotary motion, which ultimately moves the car. The transmission is a vital part of this, and it's not the scope of this writing. I consider it an engine within itself! Anyway, that's a crash course in how a gasoline combustion engine operates, which does have a lot to do with this writing. Why?
I see the ignition system very similar to the brain and the nervous system, they both have a center (brain or ECM) and they both use electrical impulses to create some sort of event. Metaphorically, I've overhauled nearly all of the parts of the engine I speak of; all but one system; yes, you guessed it, the IGNITION system. I thought maybe the FUEL filter was clogged, so I changed it. I changed the OIL, and the COOLANT, even the AIR filter. I almost changed the BATTERY too, but something got me thinking. I started looking around, and there it was....an almost invisible arc from a spark plug wire that was shorting on the engine block. I really had to look closely to find it, but I did. It all made sense. Ahh! The spark isn't getting where it needs to be, and that's why I have the miss. It's not firing at all!
There was a time when I did check this first of all, but I didn't, because I came to believe that other parts played a factor in the malfunction of the engine. In fact, I tried blaming other factors, such as ENVIRONMENT, CLIMATE, and so many others. It is possible, but not in this case; it clearly is the IGNITION system in my brain. There's a neuro-pathway (or pathways,) that aren't doing what they need to do. It's been proven that when certain parts of the brain don't function, it's more than likely because of neurons mis-firing, or making connections in other places that they probably shouldn't be. This could be a contributing factor to the brains of those who appear less intelligent, disorganized, easily irritated or distracted, addicted, or completely lost compared to everyone else in society.
Please don't read into this as a free pass for bad behavior, because it's not. Even though some of us suffer trying to function in this world like everyone else, it doesn't mean we aren't accountable for actions that might hurt others. Yes, there was a time when I put the blame solely on others, abdicating myself from any wrong-doing. This was not the answer I was looking for, and it was a very hard truth to accept. I felt society had done me wrong, God had done me wrong....everything and everyone. It was much easier to do that than to take an honest and deep look within myself, allowing for the possibility that I may have done wrong at times. This was the beginning of allowing myself to be HUMAN. This was also the beginning of SELF-CARE and SELF-LOVE. (not in a narcissistic sense, but in a kindness to the self.)
There are those who don't believe that what I go through every day is real...that's it's just a cover for not wanting to contribute to society. I don't bother trying to justify my points to them anymore, because they don't understand it anyway. They're not wrong or stupid, they're just not walking in my shoes, and to be fair, I'm not walking in theirs either. I agree to disagree, and leave it at that. It makes no sense for me to spin my tires until they are smoking anymore. It's not worth the burnt rubber, the wear and tear on the drivetrain, or the damage to the engine. Why should I spin a bearing just to try and prove a point? Oh, in case you're wondering, I WAS that naive teenager who disregarded the warning signs and almost blew up the engine in his father's pickup truck. Thankfully, with some heavy maintenance (and a severe tongue-lashing,) it was back up and running, with some remnants of the damage to remind me of what I had done. I NEVER let that happen again! In fact, it stimulated my interest in cars and engines that continues to this day. All was not for naught!
And so, the journey continues, one step at a time.