December 8, 2013
Yesterday afternoon, I returned home from a busy weekend of gigging. I checked my mailbox as I usually do on the way in. I sorted through the small pile of mail that had accumulated over the past few days, putting the junk mail in the back of the stack as I walked inside the door. In that stack of "important stuff," was a glittering gold envelope, addressed to me, and the return address was marked:
100 Candy Cane Lane
North Pole, AK 99705
I carefully opened the envelope, and pulled out a neatly folded letter. I recognized the handwriting immediately. It was Arthur's. It read:
December 03, 2013
8:02 PM
Dear Danny:
I am writing to you to let you know that I made the trip back up here safe and sound. Big Guy's new ride is nothing short of amazing! It sure beats the heck out of "Old Reliable." He says he's not retiring it anytime soon, but he just wanted to have something different; to treat himself for once. I saw his point right away, and it also brought up something we haven't discussed in our time together. It's just as important as working through your healing, in fact it's part of the journey you're on. Yes, it's great you've gained all of this insight along the way; it will be tremendously helpful as the years go on. This is all serious and deep stuff; factual and revealing. Can you guess what's missing?
You don't take the time out of your day to do things you truly enjoy. I know, you'll say, "I have music. I enjoy that." I know you do, believe me. I know you have the radio show, and a few other things, and that's good too. When I say that you don't take time out to do things you enjoy, I'm talking about getting outside of yourself and into something that involves others, or really challenges you in a fun way. I remember you used to love working on electronics projects in your younger years, or you would go out in the field and ride your motorcycles for hours on end. I know you still like your R/C cars and slot cars too. Those are a lot of fun, plus you have friends who are very interested in those also.
I know that some people have told you that you think too much; at times I believe you do too. You spend so much time analyzing, reading, watching, and learning that you don't make much time for fun in your life. There was a time when you didn't want to do those types of things, because they involved other people. You didn't feel good enough, or competent enough to get involved in activities involving other people. Sure, you went to parties, and you play gigs, but I know you. You only went because you felt you had to. Doing something out of guilt rather than sincerity will almost always allow the true feelings you have to come to the surface, and this might create a problem. Thanksgiving was an example of this. You sat there until you couldn't take it anymore, and you left. You realized those painful childhood memories coming back to take their place in you, and you managed to do something that wasn't so reckless. I applaud you for that.
Still, one of the best things that you can do right now is to think about the things you enjoy in your life, away from what you do for a living, or a hobby already (the R/C and slot cars are OK though.) Now that I'm gone for a while, I don't want you to sit in the house and isolate most of your days away. I want you to do the following, not for me, but for YOU:
1. Think about things you enjoy in your life (besides music and radio!)
2. Make a list of those things, and explain what you like about them.
3. See what is require of you to do them.
4. Make a plan on how you would find a way to do them.
5. Get others involved if possible. Pick up the phone!
6. Most of all....have fun!
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find more enjoyment in your life. Living your life as a means to an end is partly why you keep hitting the same brick walls over and over again. It breaks my heart every time I see you run into a brick wall time and time again, especially when you think you've got a problem licked. I realize this list might be a bit overwhelming for you at first, but trust me it consists of but a few steps to get your life back. You know what they say, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." You're worthy of so much more than you realize, Danny. It's time for you to see that. I will do my best to help you find the lighter side of life. It's hard for you to see, that's why I wrote you this letter, to remind you that you CAN do this. I have faith in you, the other elves, and the Big Guy do too. Until I see you again, remember...have some fun in your life! Take care, my friend!
Sincerely,
Arthur Edward Elf
I put the letter down and started to soak in everything he discussed within it. Arthur was right; I didn't do very many things just for fun in my life. I never felt I would have the time, capabilities, or that I was entitled to it. I didn't allow myself just to let go and "play." I can't say I have never done anything fun in my life. I will say that it usually was with the aid of someone else, and not by myself. I didn't really just say "Hey, I'm doing this just to have fun." I felt there had to be a purpose for everything in life, no matter how small it showed up on the radar screen. Ten minutes after I sat thinking about this, tears began to well up in my eyes. I felt true grief for the time I had spent in any kind of anguish in my life. I looked back at my self-imposed prison, and the things I did to keep myself within it. I felt regret and remorse for all I had done to keep myself "locked up."
I picked up the letter again, and read the list of six things I need to do. I saw them in a different light. They were helpful to my mental health more so than maybe even medications or exercise. I felt my heart get heavy, as I realized that I needed to actually make that list. It didn't have to be long, but I did have to contain the truth about who I am. The "rules" I played by for the first 30+ years of my life do no apply nearly as much these days, and I'm thankful to be able to see this. The Dark Side doesn't rule my world, yet it does emerge when things get challenging. That will not change; I have to choose what I will do to keep from going there every single time it presents itself.
The journey continues....and life becomes enjoyable.