July 25, 2013
I walked in the door yesterday morning to find Danny sitting on the floor, his head in his hands. He appeared to be in utter despair. I approached him slowly, and sat down. "What's up?" I asked cautiously. He looked up at me. I could see the pain in his eyes. "I'm worn out, Art." He began. "Some days it feels like trying to walk the path is a waste of my time, energy, and resources. I feel consumed; like the world has chewed me up and spit me out." I thought about that for a second, and replied with another question. "So, what's got you down? Is it anything or anyone in particular?" He slowly got up, and parked on a nearby chair. He hesitated for about ten seconds, and came back with an answer.
"It's my dad," he said sadly, almost with tears in his eyes. "He just doesn't get it. He has no idea how hard I've been working to "fix" my life. Yes, he's seen me struggle through so much, and he's aware of my trials and tribulations. He only sees what he is able to see. Bless his heart. I know he cares, but the ways that he shows it still bother me intensely. I ask for help, and I feel as if I were still a child. This is why I keep my distance and visits are usually short. I can't take being around the old thought patterns that used to torment me day in and day out. He doesn't even realize what happens when he starts telling me how I should live my life. I never told him because I didn't feel comfortable doing so."
"I see," I replied inquisitively. So, you're afraid of falling in the familiar trap of the helpless child when you are in his presence, right?" He nodded. "Let me ask you this; did you react in the ways that you knew as a child when you were with him this time?" He shook his head. "No, I didn't. I felt those feelings come up. I heard the thoughts loud and clear in my head, "I don't think you can do this. You're not capable of being responsible. You're a loser. What are you going to do when I'm gone?" This is usually followed by feelings of guilt, shame, and self-pity. I was able to see them for what they were, and I didn't let myself get consumed by them." I smiled and retorted, "That sounds like a victory to me! You were able to stay focused on the present moment, instead of instinctively reaching into the past, and playing along with the old "game." Well done, Mr. Danny Mac!" We smiled and laughed.
"Now," I continued, "You say he just doesn't get it and that he has no idea how hard you've been working to "fix" your life." He nodded slowly, and listened intently. You're right; he does care, and he is only able to see what he can see. Let's put things into perspective; how long have you been working on this stuff, Danny?" "Probably a good portion of my life; the better part of twenty-plus years," he answered. "Exactly. It didn't happen overnight, nor did it take a week, or even one year. It took most of your life." I continued, carefully choosing my words. I knew that he knew where I was going. "To expect him to "get it," right away, and to immediately understand or even accept the changes in your life is a pretty tall order if you ask me." He nodded in agreement. "It's very easy for me to get caught up in that feeling of, "Hey! Look at me! I have changed for the better! If you do what I did, you will be better too!"
I nodded and replied with, "True. That's a common problem for those who choose to truly follow their path in life. Because it worked for them, they want to impart their "wisdom" upon others. It's the same as when someone is "saved," or found their Higher Power. The urge to "spread the word," recklessly is very strong. When this happens, others may feel overwhelmed or even threatened by your seemingly good intentions, not because you are scary or evil, but because it challenges their usual ways of thinking and living; it pushes them out of their comfort zone. As you know, we all have comfort zones; they are designed to keep us "safe." He retorted, "That's why I seem to have lost touch with some family and friends; they don't know how to react to the ways I have changed! I can't blame them; it's as if I've done a complete 180 degree shift in my life."
"I wouldn't call it a complete 180 degree shift," I advised, "nonetheless it is quite significant. You're working out the "bugs," as best as you can. This is one of them; the need for approval. It's natural for a child to do things that appease their parents. If their parents are happy, then they won't get into trouble. As we grow older in life, we may hang onto that belief, even though our parents are well into their older years. When we are in their presence, many feelings from childhood may surface, such as the ones you described. I know you had a pretty tough childhood, and you spent a lot of it trying to get what you thought you needed; unconditional love." Danny interjected, "Yes! I even tried to find it in other kinds of relationships, and I took those childhood feelings I spoke of earlier, along with a fear of abandonment with me. I never questioned these feelings, and I believed them to be true. To be fair, some of them are still very strong within me, and I have to work very hard to see them. Sometimes, they surface and have a profoundly negative effect on others, creating problems in my relationships. The past few months have been tough, and I have had "run-ins," with more than a few people.
I took a few deep breaths before I spoke. "That could very well be, Danny. You're unearthing a lot of feelings in their true nature, and that may create "sore spots." However, please understand that this doesn't give you free reign to act up in any given moment. It means that they could be a contributing factor. Now for the hard part; BECAUSE you realize this, you need to work even harder at staying awake, even if those around you seem to be not in the least bit interested in doing so. Your path is not their path, and vice versa. Stay true to what you know in your heart. Your automatic thoughts will do their best to pull you back into "safety." Remain awake. Remain mindful. Whether you realize it or not, you were able to do that to a degree yesterday. Well done, student!" I reached up to give him a high five. Our hands met, and we both laughed.
He pondered for a few moments and then spoke again. "You know, I did say something that might plant a seed in his head. I said, "I'm not like you. I don't live in fear of authority figures. I don't do things the same as you, and I'm not ever going to. You might not like it, but that's the way it is. We are going to have differing thoughts on many things, and so be it." I stopped right there but wanted to continue with, "I spent my life trying to please you and others so many times, even if it didn't appear to be that way. All I wanted was to be HEARD, ACCEPTED, and LOVED." Thankfully, I didn't, because I knew if I did, it might light a fire that would burn more than a few bridges. Someday, I will have that talk with him, but not now. By the time I do, I will have an even deeper perspective, and I will know what needs to be said, and what does not. Even now, I'm starting to see what is driven from my emotions, and what comes naturally from the heart."
"The difference is in the intent of the words. Where they come from, what they are trying to say, and how they affect someone, are all matters of perspective," I said. "You, my friend, are gaining much more perspective every day. For you to even see that your words do have the power to hurt and to heal, is yet another MAJOR step in your own healing. When you don't feel the urge to say and do hurtful things, that's when you are feeling good inside; the pain has subsided, and will continue to each and every day. I see it in you so much these days; you don't want to isolate anymore. You want to get out of the house and do things that are fun. You want to share your time with others. That's another huge step in your recovery! Darn it! If you're not going to pat yourself on the back, then I will! Keep up the good work, Daniel-san!"
He smiled, walked up to me and give me a big bear hug. "Thank you, Arthur Elfe," he said enthusiastically. "I know I need not thank you; still, I want you to know that your presence is greatly appreciated. You helped me over yet another big hurdle in my life; finding out just who I am, in the grand scheme of things." I replied bashfully, "No, I didn't help you; I was a mirror to how you truly feel. I merely reflected everything, and you saw it. That's the important thing. You saw it!"
"I was blind, but now I see," he quoted. "I get it."
That's all that matters.