September 13, 2012
I was busily working away on one of the projects for the radio station, when I noticed the production studio door open, and in walked Danny. He appeared to be half asleep, yet his eyes were wide open.
"Can't sleep, huh?" I asked.
"No, not at all, Art," he replies. "The mind is racing, yet I can't begin to pinpoint where it's going, or what to do with it. I guess tonight's show woke up something else inside of me?"
"I wouldn't rule that out as a possibility," I said, trying to be supportive, but not totally agreeable. He looked somewhat troubled, and I probed further. "So, what's eating you, boss?"
"It seems that I've come to yet another crossroads in my life, and I'm not even sure what it's about. I've never felt anything like this before, Art. I'm afraid, and at the same time, I feel a calmness come over me that is hard to describe. It's like I feel the fears, but I don't do as they dictate. Perhaps everything I've been working on is really starting to spill over into my daily life - Jon Kabat-Zinn "warned" me of this in his books."
"A spiritual awakening, maybe?" I answered somewhat inquisitively. "You definitely don't look at life in the same manner as you did when I first got here. Back then, you had to look for a reason to be happy. These days, you seem to not have to work so hard to find it, if at all. I know it doesn't seem like much to you, but what I've seen happen is nothing short of amazing, and awe-inspiring." He nodded in agreement.
He continued, "It felt like I hit rock bottom before I made the decision to do the work that I needed to do. For all intents and purposes, I was there with most aspects of my life. Even though I was doing something that was my calling, my heart wasn't in it at that time. I allowed myself to become caught up in the prison of the mind, and it nearly stripped me of my ability to do the things that I needed to do in my life. I knew that something had to change, and that I had already tried to change everything and everyone around me, completely and utterly failing in the process. There was only one thing left to change - ME. I looked in the mirror and saw that scared little boy looking out of my eyes, desperately crying out...
PLEASE HELP ME.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.
I AM AFRAID...VERY AFRAID.
Once I saw this, I broke down into tears, and it finally all made sense. The inner child in me was in need of working through the pain of his past, and to learn the lessons that he was never taught. So began the journey to find myself, and what life was all about."
He paused and went into deep thought. Now, I've seen the Rantmeister get into some contemplative moods, but none like this. I began to feel more concern for him. "Are you sure you're all right? I get the feeling you're worried about something."
"Yeah, I'm all right. I'm just trying to piece together a few things. Not mysteries of the Universe or anything like that, but practical everyday things. Some would call it "making a plan." He elaborated, "For so many years, I lived my life by the seat of my pants, not planning for unexpected events, ultimately being subject to them as a result. It was so easy to play the victim and run to someone else for help. I even did this with smaller things, of which I felt that I couldn't handle.
He continued, "Learned helplessness was a skill in which I became very proficient. When I said that I didn't want to do something, it usually had the underlying meaning of "I'm afraid, and I don't know what to do," attached to it. Because I didn't communicate that effectively, it was often mistaken for laziness or even stupidity." Lots of things were done for me because I felt that I was incapable of doing them, of course perfectly the first time. I didn't allow myself to make mistakes, to be human. Whenever I made a mistake, I punished myself so severely, asking myself questions such as:
WHY CAN'T I DO THIS? IT'S SO SIMPLE THAT ANYONE CAN APPEAR TO DO IT!
HOW CAN YOU KEEP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE OVER AND OVER?
ARE YOU STUPID?
YOU HAVE NO COMMON SENSE!
"These were just a few of the condescending questions that I would ask myself on a daily basis, especially when it involved doing things for others. I just thought that if I punished myself first and foremost, then it wouldn't hurt as much when they did criticize me. I knew what to expect, and so I prepared for the worst, no matter what. Some people saw this in me and they were extremely compassionate and patient with me. Others saw it as a weakness and preyed upon it mercilessly. In both cases, I would always somehow end up on the defensive, and what wasn't that big of a deal became a major issue. Once the anger took over, all hell broke loose, and I had no problem with letting it take the controls. Once I saw that the other person was afraid, I felt that they would respect me and just leave me alone. That's all I really wanted - to be an equal and to be accepted."
He took a breath, and we sat there silently for a few minutes.
I thought about what he had said so eloquently. "Danny, I too had moments where I was not sure of my abilities, and some of the other elves made fun of me. I felt crushed, and my spirit was hurt. One day, I was working, and I made a mistake, and that same group of ruthless elves started in on me. I felt my face turn beet red, and about two inches tall. Several seconds later, the Big Guy came out of his office, and said, "What's all the commotion out here? Is something wrong, Arthur?" I looked up at him and nodded. "Come with me," he said. I could hear the elves chuckling and chatting among themselves as we walked by. He took me back to his office and I sat down in one of the big chairs.
"So, what's up, Art? It seems you're having some difficulty with the job I assigned to you."
"Yes, sir," I replied. "In fact, I seem to have trouble with just about everything that I try to do. It seems that I can't do much of anything at all."
"Oh?" he said perplexed, "I see you playing your musical instruments very well. In fact, none of the other elves are nearly half as good as you!" I had all but forgotten my natural ability to play music until he brought it out into the light. "You're so talented, Arthur. You know, those elves who taunt and tease you? They are just jealous of your abilities in music. Look at it this way. So what if they can put together a toy better than you can. That's just a job! What you have is a very unique gift that can be given to anyone at anytime; it's so much more than a means to an end. While you're at home practicing, they are hanging out in the lounge, watching the reindeer games on TV! The next time one of them teases you, just smile to yourself inside and realize the truth - they are jealous of you. What you're seeing is a reflection of their insecurity. Just keep quiet and watch them more often. I hope this helps you, my friend. You're one of my favorite little helpers, you know!"
I nodded, "Yes, sir. I see what you mean. I do feel much better, and I will keep that in mind."
"Just do the best that you can with your job. That's all you can do. You don't have to be perfect. You CAN make mistakes, and if no one else likes that, well...to heck with them!" I know you try to do your best every day, Art. That's why you're still on the line. You come to work on time, you do your best, and you try to help others. That's all I could ever ask for. Just keep up the good work, little fella. It will all pay off for you in the long run."
I concluded, "I took his advice, and from that day on, things were different. It took a few times for the concept to sink in, and for the other elves to stop messing with me, but eventually they "got it," and stopped, because it wasn't fun for them anymore. I wasn't going to play their game, and fall into their traps. I just kept my values intact, paid attention, and did right. Little did I know that it would lead me to the ultimate assignment - to come be a part of your life. We have a lot in common, Danny; and more than you may even realize. As I said before, you have come so very far in such a short time - it's almost as you were destined to follow a little known path, and one that is to help others who are hurting deeply inside. "
"Everything that you study concerning Spirituality, religions, Martial Arts, meditation and philosophy I have been following along with.Yes, I've learned a lot too, but not nearly as quickly as you. You have a natural affinity for this stuff, and you need to combine it with your other talents too. I don't think it's a coincidence that you were given these special gifts; I would continue to use them, if I were you."
"You're absolutely right, Art." he replied, this time with a slight smile on his face. "If I concentrate on doing the best that I can, and doing right, everything will work out somehow. It might not be exactly how my mind expects it, but it will be more than enough."
"Yeah, now you're getting it! That's the spirit!" I exclaimed. "I don't know about you, but i'm ready for bed!"
" Me too. Thanks, Art. I'm glad we were able to have this talk. It was nice to peek into your world a bit too. Goodnight, bud."
And with that, he walked out and closed the door. I settled in my bed, thinking for a few seconds about what had transpired tonight, and smiled to myself. I turned out the light, drifting off to sleep.