June 25, 2012
Today has taught me that even though I'm making progress by leaps and bounds, at times I still tend to look at what's missing in my life, or what I believed that I didn't get when I was younger. It's good to identify what those things might be, and work through to find them as my life progresses, but to stay steeped in thought that I did not and won't ever have them is just asking for pain.
These thoughts are second nature, and VERY difficult to tune out. This is because I still give them credence, as if they were the truth. Sometimes, I'm fortunate in that I can catch them red-handed; while others, they just seem to appear out of nowhere. Some days it's just the TV blaring in the background, and others, it's as if I'm in what's on that TV.
The TV show is called, "My Favorite Emotion," starring myself as the protagonist, and all of my emotions as the antagonists! The premise is always the same; I feel "fine," until one of them shows up. The struggle with the emotion begins, and it plays out through nearly the entire show, right up until the end when I say....
"Dang it! My emotions got the best of me again! When will I ever learn?" At that moment, I gain control again, and everything is OK. The credits roll, and the screen fades to black. It's only a matter of time until another "episode" starts playing again. How I'm feeling after the previous one depends how involved I get in the upcoming one.
If I'm not careful, it can turn into a "marathon," consisting of re-runs that still have an effect on me. If I can manage to stay calm and focused, the TV finds I have no interest in it, and it wheels itself away almost out of earshot, but stays close enough where I can almost make out what is being said. It knows this, and jumps at the chance to get into my face again, and lure me back into the fantasy land of my mind.
Even on the days when I feel as if I've walked back a few steps, I'm still making progress on the path. Beating myself up isn't the answer, but taking care of myself is...one step at a time.