June 19, 2012
Contrary to what the moniker may suggest, I in fact do NOT enjoy flying off the handle, going off about what is wrong with everything and everyone in the world today. My past dictates otherwise, because it seemed that for years, there wouldn't be one day that went by where I wasn't "up in arms" about something. I let fear and rage dictate my every move. "Don't trust anyone. They will only hurt you," was one of my common beliefs. Because I equated that with certain death, I couldn't see past it to realize that life does indeed go on, no matter what may happen to me. My friends and family were amused at how quickly I would fly off the handle, which only intensified the rage even more, prompting me to take more drastic measures to let them know that I was serious about how I felt.
Sometimes, it went a bit too far, and looking back now, I wouldn't do most of the things that I did in a fit of rage. I didn't do these things because I was mean-spirited; I did them because I felt I had no other means of communicating my intentions, or protecting myself from an "imminent threat." Being perceived as weak (something no teenage boy ever wanted,) I would up the ante and intensify my rage to out-of control proportions. Physically attacking someone mercilessly, once they provoked me happened on some occasions. I'd never start it, but I would do my best to finish it, regardless of the outcome. Thankfully, nothing happened to the point of legal ramifications, so I feel blessed about that. It was never my intention to appear as a bad ass; I just wanted to be left alone.
I never once thought that I could bring my own trouble upon myself; it seemed that the world was all against me. The world was wrong, and I was right, no matter what I did, said, thought, or felt. I never entertained the idea that I was going about it all wrong. I just felt like a bad person most of the time, and that there was nothing I could do about it. Can you fix a person's ways of thinking? No...only they can, and if they don't want the help, it's not going to happen. Towards the end of high school, I started to see that I indeed needed help, and so began several years of therapy, in conjunction with medication, and various relaxation techniques. Deep down, I knew that "something wasn't right," but couldn't put my finger on it. On the outside, I was still the ticking timebomb that everyone knew and usually loved, but inside, I was so confused and lost that I couldn't see straight. All I knew was that I had these intense feelings, and no way to control them. At times, I appeared laid back and easy-going; but when pushed to the point of feeling powerless, I became someone completely different, barely caring for his own welfare. I would even turn this way towards friends and family.
In those moments, I was only listening to the thoughts in my head, telling me, "You're weak. If you want to be a man, you'd better do something about this right now. Anything!" It was enough to become furious, only thinking of winning the battle, regardless of the cost. Maybe it was something that was a long time coming, or it was just an instant flare-up because I was having a bad day, it really didn't matter. Because I had lost "battles" as a child, for me to walk away, or let someone else win was simply out of the question. I HAD to win! My LIFE depended on it. At that point, it was open season, and I was unaware of the consequences, nor did I care. As a result, dangerous and at times, absurd behavior ensued. Once again, I feel blessed that nothing terrible happened, and that no one was maimed as a result of my actions, even those that were the target of my fury. To quote a 311 song, "Misdirected hostility...that's what you got, see?"
Sometimes, I wasn't even aware of how consumed I was by the anger in me. I remember being in my old 4WD on a twisting country road, and someone was riding with me. I was angry about something, and I remember taking a turn so hard that I drifted it nearly sideways, all 4 tires barking at me. I looked over at him, and I could see the look in his eyes; it was saying, "Dude, slow down. You're going a little over the top now." I was able to catch my breath somewhat and slow down. Still, I was angry, and hell-bent on whatever it was I had a problem with at the time (probably a girl!) For a brief few moments, I was able to see what I was doing, and it was not good. My actions were putting someone else in danger. I was indeed "over the top," with a complete disregard for the safety of someone other than my self. I didn't care whether I lived or died; but I cared if he did. He was impacted by my choices, or lack of impulse control. Once again, I'm glad it didn't get much worse than that.
Ironically, most of this stuff that made me angry, I can look back on it now and ask,
"What was I thinking?"
"Was I thinking, or just reacting?"
"What other options might I have had?"
Because I was unable to effectively handle my emotions and reactions to things outside of me, I had an impact on those around me, as well as my own well-being. My lack of self-care was projected upon others. I believed that they were just being mean to me each and every time. I believed that a friend could turn on me at any moment, and so I prepared myself for this. I believed that all my relationships would fail, and so I acted accordingly. In my earlier writings, I discussed feeling like a solider on the battlefield of life in my youth. Each day was a battle, and I had to fight brutally just to survive, even if the other person(s) didn't see it that way. I took those negative things said to me to heart, and wore them like a cross on my back. In turn, I felt justified in my actions to attack anyone who dare "disturb my universe." At that point, anyone became "the enemy."
Today, I'm dedicated to working on making better decisions when conflicts present themselves. This isn't to say that I won't react in some of the ways that I did previously; every situation is different, and presents unique challenges. When something turns me inside out, it's a good indication that I need to wake up and pay attention to those feelings even more in the moment. I need to look past the irritability and discomfort that accompany it. As time goes on, I will get better with practice. I realize that there are times when it will appear to be necessary to "pick up the hammer," but they will be few and far between. Most situations won't require the use of it, thankfully. Realizing why I felt the need to so often, is a very crucial step for me on the path of life. It's like pressing the panic button every single time something doesn't go the way that I want it to; it's very much akin to a child who is throwing a fit because he doesn't like what's going on.
"There is something about this that bothers me, and I want to talk about it. Let's find a solution that works for everyone."
That's what I really want to say. The next step for me is to actively search for a solution, paying close attention to how I feel in the moment. Finally, I work out a solution with the other person, as patiently as possible, one step at a time. Even if they are controlled by their feelings, I stay focused and aware, but not fearful of them. If we can't find a solution, then we agree to disagree and leave it at that, or I walk away and accept that there's NO DEAL possible. I do my best to remain flexible, yet unwilling to overstep certain moral boundaries I've set along the way. When I feel I'm close to one, I let it be known that I've gone as far as I can go with a situation. Immediately, I work to let it go, and continue on to the next one. The challenge is met, and the lesson is learned.
The moral of the story? The more enraged someone appears to be, the less likely they are in control of their behavior, and are dominated by their emotions, which are based on their past experiences in their own lives. It means, "I'm at the end of my rope, and I'll do whatever it takes to make the hurt stop." This is something that should never be taken lightly. Why? because those that are ridiculed or silenced when these behaviors surface may someday get to the point of "getting revenge," taking out all of their frustrations on those who have hurt them, regardless of the circumstances. They've already lost the battle, but they are unaware, seeking vengeance to settle the score. For them, it ends there, and nothing will happen. In reality, what does happen is usually not what they were expecting in the first place. That storybook ending of the childhood bully finally getting "taken care of," is replaced by the reality of being handcuffed and thrown in the back of a police car. They hadn't realized it at the time, but he wasn't breathing anymore. Remember:
NO ONE is worth doing time for, not matter what.
Analyzing my anger and "sore spots," has been tremendously helpful for me on my journey. I see the unanswered cries and questions that mutated into anger, resentment, fear, hatred, and rage. I am seeing the faulty connections that are possible when I'm pushed to my limits, and the tendencies I have to react in certain ways. I work to put down the hammer each and every day of the remainder of my existence on this planet. I realize again that I do have options and choices that are much better than what I've had previously. Sometimes, the answers I was looking for were right there, but due to my fear, I was unable to see or accept them. It's not a perfect science, but the end results are so much better now.
I walk, down the path, one breath at a time.