June 11, 2012
I must admit that my track record with human relations isn't exactly stellar. No, I don't mean my work history, but with the human race in general. It was always easy for me to get along with other people, as long as they kept being who I thought they should be. If they didn't fit the mold, they could be a potential threat to me, and so they were put on my "shit list," and pretty much forbidden the chance to win me over ever again. Of course, this could apply to friends I already had, as well as to family. The second you were deemed a threat to me, you were the ENEMY. You were not to be trusted, and every attempt to avoid you was utilized. But, as with everything, there are exceptions to the rule. If you were close enough to me, I would make concessions.
Consider this; you're a teenager, and you're down on your luck making friends. It seems that no one wants anything to do with you. Almost, except one other kid. He seems to be interested in talking, so you strike up a conversation. Pretty soon, the two of you are talking all the time, hanging out constantly. Eventually, you get your driver's license and you start hanging out outside of school. At first, everything seems OK...the usual trouble that teens make ensues, and no one gets hurt. You drink, you smoke, you hang out at parties...everything seems all right. One day you make a mistake, and it shows the true colors of your "friend." Events happen that shouldn't have, and you find yourself looking down the barrel of a gun. You are terrified, begging and pleading him not to shoot you. After several minutes, he puts it down and declares, "I wasn't going to pull the trigger anyway." You breathe a sigh of relief, and you are just glad it's over. You gloss over it, but you don't exactly forgive him for it. You are too stricken with fear to say anything else about it. Still, because you are desperate, you continue to hang out with this guy.
As time goes on, he becomes more abusive towards you, while you cower down in intimidation. He attacks you, pushes you, insults you, and more. He sees that you are easily controlled, and so he takes the reins. He drives you over the edge of sanity many times, in the midst of the "good times" that appear to be happening. The drink flows, the dope smoke fills the air, and it's all good. You're in too much of an alcohol or drug-induced stupor to realize what's really going on. Another night of drunken rowdiness, and he pulls a gun on you yet again. You scream in terror, and in disbelief that this is happening again. You want to leave, but feel that you cannot, for fear of being shot. Again, it's "a joke," and you forgive, but you don't forget. After all, this guy seems to be the only friend that you appear to have.
Your appearance is that of one of the stoner kids (what we used to call "heads.") long hair, ripped up blue jeans, and the obligatory concert shirt most days. Because of your appearance, your friend's parents judge you, even to your face. From the moment you meet them, you feel uneasy, and singled out. You resent them, and eventually hate them too. There is a mishap on the day of Senior Ditch Day when he gets your truck stuck in the mud, and the police almost bust your entire group with alcohol! He takes the fall for driving without a license, and you get a warning for letting him drive. That same day, his mother calls to inform your parents that your kid did such and such thing, and is bad news. What she doesn't realize is that you are on the other end of the phone, and not your parents. You respond ultimately with, " I'm the problem? Look lady, your son was influencing ME. You're only judging me because I have long hair. Get a life! Don't ever call here again, you f'in bitch!" She doesn't ever call again. It's then you realize that the relationship is starting to end. Eventually, you drift apart and go on with your own lives.
This is but a summary of what happened, but I can tell you that many of my closest relationships have the same theme; the closer I got to someone, the more I would allow them to hurt me. I would write off what would happen to me out of desperation, thinking that I'm lucky to have someone in my life at all. I started to notice a pattern, the more desperate I became, the more I would get into these kinds of situations, and the more accepting I became of them. For all intents and purposes, I AM an abuse survivor. It took years to see this, and to accept it. For a time, I wouldn't accept it, because I vowed to get even with everyone who ever hurt me. I promised to make their lives a living hell.
You know how they joke about people having "Hit Lists" on TV and in the movies? Well, I had one, and I could name EVERYONE from memory. Because I kept these feelings bottled up inside for so long, I was unable to find better ways of dealing with them. I only knew how to be passive and aggressive; there was no middle ground, no assertiveness, and no "talking things out." I would just accept everything that was done to me, until I couldn't take it anymore. By then, it was a potentially dangerous situation; I was ready for WAR, and I didn't care about the consequences of my actions.
Ultimately, I just wanted the pain to stop, but didn't know how to make it stop. I didn't care if it meant something terrible could happen to me or the other person. I didn't believe the rules applied to me; victims don't have to play by the rules, right? Surprise! These very same thoughts are in the mind of the abuser in a relationship. Looking back, all the signs of an abusive childhood relationship were there for my childhood friend; physical needs were met, but there was a distant feeling between his parents and him. I was weaker, and so he took out his frustrations on me...just like a bully. I used to hate his guts more than anything in the world, but now I don't. I don't like what he did to me, but I forgave him years later and moved on. It's important for humans to understand why forgiveness is so important. I had to forgive; if I held on to that resentment and seething hatred, it would only keep me awake at night. I let go for my sake, not his.
Another thing I've learned is that any time that anyone feels that they have to have power over anyone, it is because they are AFRAID....of others, as well of themselves. Don't let the tough macho exterior fool you. Within lies the heart of a coward, of someone who doesn't know how to deal with life's problems, or their own. The brash exterior is merely a distraction, so that you won't see that they are deeply hurting inside. I know...I've been on that side of the fence too. Accepting that was a battle as well. It's very common for those who come from abusive relationships to become abusers themselves...the model they've been given is the model they use as a reference; whether it is right or wrong in the eyes of society is irrelevant.
After a period of self-imposed isolation, I am slowly coming back into the world on a daily basis. I get outside, enjoy the outdoors, and try to be as pleasant as I can to everyone around me, even if they don't appear to be in return. I don't live my life in desperation, taking what I can get from the bottom of the barrel. I don't allow second-rate relationships to dominate and control my life. I don't permit myself to be abused in any way, for any reason. I DO allow people to get closer to me, take more chances, and work to nurture relationships with those around me. Because of what I've been through, I'm much more aware of the "red flags," that remind me of my past. The lessons have been learned, and are applied accordingly. I can usually manage to steer clear of trouble before it gets too close.
As has been said before...
"Don't mistake my kindness for weakness"
For if you do, you will come to realize that the real weakness is the inability to be kind. Don't live your life being consumed and dictated by fear; it's simply not worth it. Find true happiness in the ways that you know deep in your heart. If you say that involves hurting others, I don't believe you. You may be consumed by a sickness that is not a part of you. Look deeper inside...
Another day begins to unfold, and I continue to walk the path to healing, loving, and understanding.