May 27, 2012
I'm not sure where or why I became so selfish as a child and young adult. Perhaps self-centered would be a better term? Actually, I believe it has to do with the events that transpired in my life. Because I felt that I had lost so much already, I didn't want to lose anymore. Regardless, I was taught that I should share what I have and think of others anyway; my feelings didn't matter as much, it seemed. Since I felt so different than everyone else to begin with, this did not bode well for me. I resisted and resented, holding on to what I had; toys, money, or food. I couldn't begin to understand why it was good to share or to help others; I could only see the pain of my losses if I did such a thing. If I helped take care of the yard, that meant less free time for me. If I had to pay for parts to fix my car (brakes, for instance,) that would leave me with less money for "toys." If I donated food to the local food bank, that meant there would be less food for me. I only saw the losses that were involved.
Since it appeared to me that I didn't have much, I tried to get more of what I didn't have, while not giving much, if any at all. Playing the deprived victim, I felt that the world owed me more than it could ever give me. That sense of entitlement was very strong. "How DARE anyone ask ME for ANYTHING! I've got NOTHING to give YOU! Go ask someone else!" Yes, my self-esteem was shot, and this was the end result of it. I felt justified in my beliefs, thoughts, and actions. I allowed myself to become needy, and then greedy. "MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE! That's not yours, it's MINE! Yours looks better than mine, and I want it! That's not fair! That should be MINE!" Of course, as we know, once I did get that thing that I was so desperately wanting, the calming effect was very short-lived, and it was on to the next one. It was a cycle that was without end.
I'm sure that some of you might look at this kid and think, "Wow, what an ungrateful little brat." That may be true in your eyes, but you don't know the whole story. Kids don't usually think like adults, and you can't expect them to. However, adults can think a lot like children, especially if they never got over something in their own childhood. This in turn becomes the catalyst of their lives in some way. Maybe they work themselves to death to have "a better life," because they "went without" so much as children, wanting to provide a better life for their own. Or they might throw themselves into a career of helping others, because they were mistreated, coming from a broken home. Perhaps they felt empty inside, and found a calling in the clergy. Sadly, not everyone follows the "path," that leads them to their genuine purpose in life. These are just examples, and not the only ones that are available to us. Some appear to be more glamorous than others, yet they aren't any more important than the others.
On my journey on the path, I've found myself to be more generous of my time and resources than I have much in my past. If I am asked to help with something, I don't get defensive, or try to find a way out of it. I also volunteer to help if I see that there is a situation where I could be of some assistance. I stopped to see my sister a few days ago, seeing that my brother-in-law was home. He was doing some work, and as it turns out, I was in the right place at the right time! I saw that he might need use of my vehicle to get some supplies, and I was ready to mention it, until he asked me. Naturally, I was glad to help. We got the supplies we needed, and I helped him get the work done, just in time to go pick up his son. Mission accomplished. I must say that there were many more times when he and my sister were there to help me, many more than I ever was for them before. Oh, I mowed their lawn and took care of the house, but that was for money. This time, there was no money involved whatsoever. I wasn't expecting payment for anything at all, not even a "thank you." I did get a thank you, and if anything, that was more than enough.
There was a time when things like this wouldn't have happened. Why? Because I felt that I couldn't possibly give anyone anything at all. "I'm not good for anything, so why ask me for help? I'll just screw it up anyway!" I would just keep to myself, hoping that no one would ask me for anything. Years passed, and I found myself becoming less selfish, slowly opening up, allowing others to ask favors of me. I even did volunteer work for a few years, but it didn't take hold that what I was doing meant so much to the people I was helping. Even though I was being helpful, I was still very much self-centered and in pain. I saw the volunteer work merely as a means of "getting outside of the house." Little did I realize that getting outside of the house was one of the first steps to getting outside of myself.
Outside is where everyone else is
Inside is where I am
Outside is where life happens
Inside is where nothing changes
Outside is nature and beauty
Inside is stagnation and familiarity
Outside is risky and adventurous
Inside is safe and predictable
Outside is friendship and love
Inside is self-hatred and fear
Outside is a chance to grow
Inside I will wilt and die
The tendency to want to isolate myself from the rest of the world does present itself to me on an occasional basis, but now it's different. The feelings of uncontrollable fear, anger, and anxiety that have plagued me nearly all of my life don't have quite the intensity they once did. I see the familiar patterns and watch them cycle through. Oh, I feel the feelings, but I know that what my mind tells me to do isn't the answer. That antique playback mechanism is old news, and it doesn't apply to my life anymore. It's similar to as if someone had begun playing tapes of Hitler's speeches from World War II, expecting people to believe it was still 1940; the messages aren't applicable many years later. That war is over.
And so is mine.