Housecleaning

May 15, 2012

Yesterday was a very busy, yet enjoyable day. The theme was "housecleaning," and as they say, I took the ball, and ran with it! I was able to wake up VERY early, have my breakfast, and then hit the trail at the local park for about an hour or so. My goal is to do this at least a few times a week, just so I can get outside to see nature up close and personal. As I walked the trail, I began to marvel all over again at everything in front of me; the trees, the plants, the animals, and of course, the beautiful sunny day. These are things I would take for granted for so many years of my life. I heard woodpeckers in the trees, stopping to listen and watch them for a minute. It seemed that they would sense my presence, flying to a higher branch to begin pecking yet again. I couldn't help but wonder if I was giving off any kind of negative vibes that might be scaring them away. Probably not; the animals are scared of man more than anything else it seems. I couldn't walk next to the pond without the frogs being alarmed, and jumping back into the water to hide from the inevitable predator. I'm not a predator; if anything, I would just want to observe them to see what they do. I could spot them in the water, hiding themselves in the mud of the banks of the pond, but it's not the same. I had disturbed them, and It really got me thinking about things.

I know that we are to reap and harvest the land for what we need; that's what it is there for. Still, I wonder how much has gone into sowing more seeds to replace the plants, trees, and other things that have been taken from the land. I grew up as a dyed-in-the-wool consumer because that's what I was taught to do. We did spend time in nature, if only for vacations and the like, but something was missing. No one took the time to show me how to plant a tree, or to explain how important it was that we take care of these natural resources. Just as anyone else, I'm guilty of being wasteful, not being responsible for how I treat my environment. It seems that just about everything that I've enjoyed in my life has involved pollution of the land, deprivation of natural resources, and excessive use or production of toxic chemicals.

Growing up gearhead meant that all environmentalists were "tree-hugging freaks," and they were only trying to take my fun away when they would talk about the apparently damaging automobile emissions. I would balk at anyone who would complain about how the production of musical instruments was detrimental to the forests and the ecology. I couldn't bare substituting this wonderful tone wood for something that sounded and felt less than adequate to my ears. I always took it all for granted, not even giving it a second thought. Now, I am interested in ways of doing what's better for the environment. I believe that there is a way to accomplish those results we desire, albeit in different approaches to get there. More than likely, they involve giving up that comfort zone that we are all so familiar with. Admittedly for me, this was like pulling teeth.

Yes, I enjoy and appreciate the material things that I have, but for so many years, I felt I was IDENTIFIED through them. My happiness was always contingent upon the acquisition of something. For a time, I was happy, then content, and then finally it was as if nothing had ever happened at all. I took it for granted, as I did with everything else. The process would start over yet again, continuing faithfully through to being taken for granted yet again. Now, I know we "need" certain things to get by in this day and age, but it seems that the older I get, I ask myself some questions:

Just how badly do I "need" these things?
Is it just a matter of wanting them?
How deeply am I attached to them?
How much do I feel identified by them?
Can I live without them?

Now, before you quickly retort and say, "I'll take whatever you don't want," think about this. Why do YOU want what I have? Ask yourself these very same questions that I am asking myself. See what kind of answers come to mind. I believe at least in this country, we think pretty much the same way, regarding our possessions. I could be wrong in some cases, but what I see at face value tells me otherwise. If they don't create an identity, then why are so many in such a mad hurry to get that next big thing? Of course, I could blame it on advertising and the media, but I think it goes much deeper than that. It's such a shame that some people won't give you the "time of day," if you're not fulfilling a certain paradigm in their mind, and that you're a nobody if you don't. If you don't drive a certain car, live a certain lifestyle, wear a certain type of clothing, etc. then you're not worthy of their company. It's amazing how many will fawn for the approval of said person, jumping through the hoops just to get there. Really? Is that what your life is all about?

I think not.

So many of us have been tricked to believe as such. Once again, it goes deeper than that. If I had been tricked, it's because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to it. I don't know how many times I've been looking through a sales flyer, thinking to myself, "I MUST have that!" I have fallen hook, line, and sinker for it so many times. I'm also guilty of readily accepting hand-me-downs (especially electronics!) As a result, a huge pile of stuff that doesn't work sits on my shelves, hoping to see the light of day. Bags of clothing pile up, waiting to be sorted through. In the process, a ton of stuff is accumulated, and it creates a mess. Closets get clogged, and shelving units get overloaded to the point where they appear to be ready to topple at any minute. That "cool thing" from the neighborhood garage sale is added to the pile of stuff, in hopes of being used or repaired...someday.

Thankfully, as of late, I haven't had any money to spend on frivolous things (not by choice, mind you,) and I consider it a blessing in disguise. In some ways, I was wise with my money, as I have the ability to make a dollar stretch tremendously. In other ways, I was not so smart ( not paying bills or neglecting obligations.) I do pretty good with what I have, yet sometimes a tinge of jealousy surfaces, and I "wish I had that," thinking that if I did, my life would be better in some way. Would it? It might to some degree temporarily, but in the long run, I would more than likely feel the same as I did before I had "that." I was aware enough to see a pattern developing, and I began to taper off getting those things that I wanted desperately. I knew that it was a continuous cycle, with no end.

I've been to yard and estate sales, seeing all of these things that people have accumulated over the course of their lives. I see the little trinkets and collectibles that span five decades or more of collecting. I often wonder if these people were truly happy inside of themselves, or if this was a way of easing the pain in their hearts. Once again, maybe I'm wrong in some instances, and I'm seeing this from an extreme point-of-view. I just wonder if these collections are a shrine, dedicated to something or someone, perhaps. I found myself collecting things because I felt that was all I had in my life. I desperately hoped that if I had certain things in my life, then I would be much happier. "At least I will have the things that I like." Sadly, the list never ends. How many of us have felt or continue to feel this way?

I'm not swearing off material things, but I am beginning to ask myself just what I can let go of. How many of them are there for deeper reasons?

Am I trying to fill a void?
What void am I trying to fill?
Am I trying to re-live my past?
Am I trying to create an imagined life that I never had?
Am I holding on to yesterday with all my might?
Am I living a lie?

The more that I heal, the more that I see the relationships that I have with these things that I possess. Their meanings have gone deeper than I could ever have realized earlier in my life. I thought that I just liked the stuff, and that was that. I am beginning to see some attachments and forms of identity within many of them. Some symbolize periods of time, events, and people that have since disappeared from my life. Some are direct homages to my past in the ways that I remember as a very young child, and some are fairly recent discoveries. None of these are bad things at all, but when I outgrow the relationship that I have with something, I need to learn to let it go. This is why people throw out things, clean their houses, and have sales or auctions.

They see things that may at one time, might have meant something. Today, they are only taking up space, collecting dust in the corner of their room. The collector might just say, "OK I'm done with this. I've gotten what I can from all of these things," and sells off their entire collection of vintage clocks and watches. They might even question why in the world they started collecting stuff in the first place. Some might stop because they are no longer with us. They couldn't take their collections with them, and so they remain, for someone else. Still, these things don't last forever. They decompose and cease to exist eventually, because someone loses interest along the way. It's not permanent; nothing man ever made was, is, or will ever be.

Perhaps some of us are "old souls," (as some believe,) and we gravitate towards certain things as a result. Maybe the soul finds solace in the familiarity of what he or she can find that resonates with their past lives? Even as a child, I tended to have an interest in things decades before my time. I felt that most contemporary things were "boring" or "cold." For sake of brevity, I will address this at another time, so for now, I digress.

Attachments are being assessed and evaluated. Relationships with people and things are being scrutinized. I continue to release more and more each day. The burden on my shoulders is lessened, making it easier to stand up straight, as I walk the path...

one step at a time.