There comes a time within our lives when we appear to reach an intersection…a crossroads. It’s a point where we stop, take a look around, and take stock in ourselves, and others. We assess and evaluate how far we’ve come, where we are, and how far do we have left to go. We might look back in disbelief, regretting so much of what we have done. We may instead look back in gratitude and happiness, treasuring every moment, and everyone that was a part of it. It’s our choice in how we see it.
For many years, I chose to see things in a negative light, that everyone and everything was against me, and that nothing good ever lasts. As a result, my life appeared this way, and I was attracted to situations and people that suited my ways of thinking. I was a proud card-carrying member of the “Gee, ain’t it awful too” club, loudly declaring all that is wrong with the world and everyone in it (even my friends!) I always thought, “This is me. This is just how I am, and the way I will always be.”
I appeared to be content with myself in this way, but I really wasn’t. I just wasn’t allowing the pain to give me the real message: “Life isn’t all bad. There are good things and good people. Even good people screw up sometimes. Why don’t you look inside and see why you’re hurting so much?” I resisted and isolated, cutting off communication with family and most of my friends.
At first, it wasn’t bad. I felt like I could live my life on my terms to some degree. After a while, loneliness appeared, and I did the usual reaching for a drink, or other ways to numb the pain, so that I could “just get over it.” I could just sit in my house, turn up the music, drink a bit, and pass out in my chair. I was able to numb the pain for quite some time. Naturally, I needed more of my “drugs” to numb it again.
I’m not quite sure how, but I was able to keep myself from becoming an alcoholic or being addicted to drugs. However, I did become addicted to isolation, and all the trappings with it. I lived in denial for so many years, believing that I had to “go it alone,” and that I couldn’t share my world with anyone. The Internet was an escape; a safe place to chat with others who were alone too. I said I’d never be one of those people in chat rooms…
It took a long time to finally let the pain overtake me, and to realize that living life in isolation was doing more harm to me than I thought. I had this huge hole in my heart that could never be filled no matter what I did. Slowly, I worked on coming out of my shell, being a part of the world, through music, radio, and writing. I finally accepted the fact that I can’t go through life in isolation, that there are good people and good things, that not all is bad.
I am yet again at another crossroads. I have the opportunity to connect and continue the healing process. This will require more of my time, and possibly some more changes. I have to make a choice; do I want things to stay the same, or do I want to open new doors? I choose the latter, because staying in place is what has hurt me time and time again. Everything changes; nothing stays the same. Neither do I.