If you weren’t able to listen to this week’s Rant, I’ve decided to take a hiatus of sorts. To many, things seemed to be going well for me, and that I let go of everything that hurt me. For a while, it seemed that way, and only recently have I realized that I have so much farther to go. This means that I need to set aside more time to work through even more “stuff,” that has surfaced. I feel this is necessary to facilitate my growth in life.
For once, I allowed myself to realize that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, and will be “trimming back,” on many things, in order to focus my priorities. Just because it appears that I have a busy life doesn’t mean that it’s all good. Just as too much idle time is not good for us, the same applies to not having enough of it.
I always seemed that I wasn’t “happy” unless I had no less than four things going on in my life at once, or, as my dad put it, I would “burn the candle at four ends.” Some would see this and think, “Wow! He’s got a lot going on for him right now!” The truth was that I wanted to stay busy enough where I wouldn’t have time to sit and think too much alone. I didn’t want to face the demons in my life; if I just kept pushing them back, or pretending they didn’t exist, I’d be fine, right? Unfortunately, we can only keep this feverish pace up for so long before it catches up to us, and we become tired, worn down, eventually becoming susceptible to the darkness.
I spent years taking various medications trying to stabilize my moods, keep me from the throes of depression, or to alleviate uncontrollable anxiety. I also spent years in therapy, trying to figure “what’s wrong with me?” It has taken decades, but I believe I’ve found the answer; I have underlying grief issues that were never addressed properly. As a child, no one around me seemed to want to discuss these things at length, and so they were “buried under the rug.”
From an early age, I struggled with many problems, and was taken to doctors, psychiatrists, put in special classes in school, and the like. No one could seem to figure anything out. Eventually, all of this stopped, but inside I was still very much shaken to the core. Every day was a battle, and I fought everyone and everything within it, even if it meant disastrous consequences. I distanced my family, and had but a few friends. I decided I didn’t like much of anything, and blamed God for all of my problems.
For years, I was an angry person, who could explode almost immediately in the right circumstances. This took its toll on me, and in the past few years I’ve realized just how toxic it can be. One day I woke up and simply said, “I can’t live like this anymore. Something has to change….I have to change.” And so the journey on the path began, with it the knowledge that I will need to make many changes actively in my life.
Taking this hiatus doesn’t mean that I’m walking away from the show forever; I have every intention of coming back very soon. It just means that I need some time to get my head screwed on straight, and explore what’s outside my world. I am no longer a prisoner of my own doing, but a person who is learning to live life one step at a time. I will return! Until then, be well, and remember; stay calm, stay cool, stay collected, but most of all, stay connected!