May 7, 2012
Put in 50% effort, and you'll get 50% back...My life is a prime example of this. Because I wasn't willing to do what was required many times, and ignored the reasons why these things were important, I suffered each and every time. I could blame it on my environment, other people, or maybe even my struggles with depression; regardless, I was the one who made the choices that I did.
It's why I sit here now, with guitar in hand, not knowing where to go with it next, or what to practice doing. I have ZERO structure, and that is a result of my choices. Experience has shown me time and time again that I am able to play just about anything that is put in front of me, and not have to invest much time into it. The result is endless hours of noodling and amp tweaking, on both bass or guitar.
I feel that taking lessons again would be helpful in that department; not so much for the ability, but with managing structure, having someone or something to emulate, and get some basic framework. In other words, "The tools are there, but I don't know what to use them on or when." I just don't know "where to go."
The last time I took lessons was when I was a teenager, and I really wasn't ready then. My heart wasn't in them, and I really only took them to please my dad. I wasn't interested in learning all the speed exercises, arpeggios, theory, and the like; I was much more interested in learning older songs, but I never spoke up. What Jimi Hendrix did was more interesting to me than Metallica. It seemed like no one my age wanted to play "old" music!
"Thirty some-odd years, and still trying to find my way," seems to be my mantra most days. I believe I was about eight when I found a genuine interest in music and the guitar. Fast forward many years later, and still feeling like I'm limited in my abilities; once again due to my lack of direction or commitment to practicing for hours on end. What anyone else sees is just a taste of what I know that I'm capable of, provided I do what is required to harness that raw potential, hone it, and polish it to "perfection."
I'll be honest; some days, playing bass is like being a second-class citizen; not because it's for dummies or that no one really cares about "the bass player," but because I sold myself so short with guitar, giving it up for so many years. I hit a brick wall, and as usual, whenever something was too challenging or frustrating, I would walk away from it.
If it wasn't for the urging of a few band mates several years back, I may have never picked it up again, relegating myself to bass alone. Ultimately, I would feel that something was lacking, that I was "holding back," as I've been told so many times over the course of my life. It's plain to see now that I don't have to choose one over the other, and that I am capable of doing both, to a fault.
I do have my limits...I'm no Victor Wooten on bass, nor am I Eric Johnson on guitar, but somewhere, I fare just a tiny bit above average in both areas. I've learned to blend in effectively with either instrument, concentrating on adding to the overall sound, and not my "chops." On either one, I have nights where I'm lost in a fog, and get lost somewhere, but that happens to everyone, right? It seems that virtuosity is just not in the cards for me, and I'm actually fine with that. Really? Am I? I think I have to ask myself that question and be honest with myself.
OK...sure it would be fun to be able to play Jaco's "Teen Town" on fretless note-for-note, yet put my own flavor into it, or to be able to pick up my Strat at play "Trademark" as tastefully as Eric Johnson did, but is it necessary? To what end do I want this? What reasons do I cite for doing this?
Will it gain me visibility or popularity in the musical community? Will it get me more "friends," or that ever elusive girlfriend? Or do I want it because it's a challenge, and the sense of accomplishment is nothing short of awesome? The point is, will I take the time to do what is required to reach my example goals? How will I do this? Where will I begin? What will I do? When will I do it?
WILL I DO IT?
Honestly, I'm much too afraid to answer this question; holding myself accountable for anything has always been a scary proposition.
At first, I thought that lack of creativity was the problem; now it's more of lack of direction or self-discipline that seems to be the center of it all. If I don't know where I'm going in the first place, how am I going to get anywhere? It's like saying I'm going somewhere, getting in my car, and driving around aimlessly, going everywhere but where I said I was going. I end up burning a lot of fuel, and wasting a lot of time.
I blinked my eyes, and twenty years passed me by. I did put forth some effort, but not nearly as much as I could have, and all for the wrong reasons. Being impatient, defiant, stubborn, and ignorant have gotten me to this place, in this moment. I put in 50% effort into my life, and I got 50% back. I allowed so much to affect and offend me, not knowing what the costs would be on the road ahead.
By society's standards, I'm the farthest thing from a success, yet I'm not a complete loser either. These days, I don't care about what society thinks very much; it's a waste of time to try and live up to those expectations. My own personal expectations and beliefs are much more important in the goals of personal development, as well as mental, physical, and spiritual health.
Being frustrated with others and myself has been a lifelong habit. Even though I felt dissatisfaction, I almost never took the next step; to do my best to fix what I felt was wrong, or needed work. I would just stop at my dissatisfaction; resigning to failure, futility, and impossibility. It's easy to rant about something; but to make a difference and DO something meaningful about it is the next step in the process.
So, I'm dissatisfied with my musical progress...now then, what am I going to do about that? Am I going to sit here and feel sorry for myself, hoping that I can go back twenty or thirty years and change that, or am I going to work on what I can in the present moment, doing the best that I can? I'd like to believe that I will make the best choice, but I know myself all too well...I usually take the path of least resistance, just like an electrical short circuit. I'm not berating myself, I'm just being honest.
But...I have a choice...to change for the better.