April 2, 2012
As much as I'd like to, I can't pick and choose what I want to hold on to and what I want to let go of, in order to heal. My entire present life appears to be a manifestation of holding onto my past; irresponsibility, disarray, and lack of structure, are just for starters. Yes, I truly want this, but there are things I wish to hold onto despite the effects they may have upon me. What's stopping me? It's simple, really; if I start changing things, my life won't be familiar and "safe." I won't have those security blankets from the past to hold onto when I feel that things aren't going my way, or when I am hurt again. To be honest, that's a scary place to be, yet I still want this so much. I see where I have gotten myself... now I have the chance to work through it all, and have help doing so. I am grateful for this, yet at the same time, very afraid.
Some things became such a part of my life that they became deeply intertwined and I felt that they were "normal," or defined who I am. They were always there, and I could depend upon them whenever I needed. Over time, it became easier to look to that "source," to ease me through the pain in my life. I continued to rely on it more and more, until one day, I felt as though it had become a part of me. It felt as though in order to survive, I must rely on my "old friend," and without them, I would surely die. For them to no longer be in my life would spell certain doom, or the feeling of death to some. At the very least it would leave a gaping hole, and I would be consumed by bewilderment, and fear.
But it's always been this way!
What will I do when I can't do that anymore?
How will I live?
How will I survive?
Can I survive?"
Here's the deal, if I don't change, things will stay the same, and I will continue to stay stuck where I am. The pain I am feeling will continue to worsen, and will only come back stronger if I try to numb it yet again. If I continue to blame it on the past, I will never allow myself to be held accountable for my actions, or take responsibility for my life. Even though the pain of prolonging it hurts more than ever, the fear is still strong enough to keep me from moving forward at times. Maybe I have to "bang my head" a few more times just so that I can see how important this really is to the continuation of my healing. Experience truly is the best teacher; I really learn my lesson when I allow myself to hit the wall a few times. Too many people seem to be afraid of learning through experience. Trust me; well-meaning words from someone who cares is not enough to make me stop doing something, and the same applies to just about anyone else. The words don't sink in until I have been through it myself!
"Anger will be your downfall."
Those words are as clear now as they were almost 20 years ago. I was told these by a co-worker after I had a flare-up of rage and threw a table across the room. Of course, I didn't believe him! If I saw him today, I'd gladly shake his hand and tell him how right he was. I don't think I fully understood it back then; today, I totally get it. I see where the fruits of my rage, misunderstanding, obsessive fear, compulsive habits and thinking have gotten me. On the outside, it doesn't look like rock bottom; I have a place to live, a vehicle to drive, some nice things, good friends, and do my best to enjoy life most of the time. Inside, the work I have been doing has created a disaster area, and is hazardous to traverse. No, I'm not talking about my living arrangements, I'm talking about inside of ME. A lot of rubbish has been cleaned out, and as a result, there are large cavities that are being supported by temporary joists and beams. They are everywhere, yet there is still much work to be done, as several things remain.
As the days go by, I do my best to mine through more of this toxic material that is still a part of my life. Some of it is the most resistant stuff I've ever had to deal with; perhaps it's because it's so entangled with my beliefs as to who I am? The deeper I dig, the more I have to put up those supports to keep the "ceiling" and "walls" up, it seems. That is, until the good material begins to find its way in to fill the voids. The supports will not need to be removed; they will become an integral part of the structure itself, solidifying with the good stuff on contact. I know that the "good stuff," is flowing into where it needs to; I've seen it happen already. Even though today presented itself with a challenge, I was able to not beat myself up for making a mistake, falling into the same trap I have many times before. I patiently remind myself...
"Just keep trying. You can do this. I believe in you. Start over again."
I don't look at today as another day that I "fell in the hole." I see it as another day that I was able to see it from a different point of view after it happened, and I gained just a few more "gems" that were mixed in with the toxic stuff. Understanding the relationships that I have had in my life, I see several gems that have come from them, despite the outcome when they came to an end. Even as I heal from the self-destructive relationship that I have with myself, I take little lessons from each thing that happens. The most recent one is that I never realized that I was accepting of some kinds of self-abusive behavior. I never thought to question it, only thinking it was "normal." It took a lot of courage and dedication to see it for what it truly was. I was able to see the damage it was really causing in my life, as well as the lives of others. I was able to see just how deep it cut into who I thought myself to be, what I was worth, and what I was capable of doing.
Sometimes the most innocent of thoughts, daydreams, or fantasies are the result of something that may have happened in the past, and they continue to linger on in our later years in some way. I was able to really look at it and say...
"Hey, that's not right! I can't believe I think this way! I am worth more than this! I AM lovable and I CAN love! It doesn't have to be this way!"
It turns out I was yet again selling myself short and resorting to the same self-defeatist, desperate measures, even if it meant getting into potentially dangerous situations. I was willing to sacrifice my self-worth, my values, and everything else just to make some sort of familiar connection. Once again, the parallels of substance and alcohol abuse come into play; anything to get a high, and to keep everything else in place. The facade can stand for only so long, and eventually it will cave in, revealing the truth. This was right about when the pain become more intense than I could ever imagine. The turmoil would cause sleepless nights, bouts with anxiety and depression, and I would question my very existence on this planet. I would begin to see that in the grand scheme of things, what I was doing to myself and others was not helping at all. This is what got the wheels turning in my search.
I have traveled so far down the path now that I can't see where I started, yet looking forward, it seems rather dark. I am grateful for the progress I have made thus far, and I know that in order to continue, I must be true to myself, and to others. I must be honest about what I really want, and do what needs to be done in order to have it. It's very easy to say this and appear sincere. The real test for me is to follow through with it. Yes, at times I will be afraid, and lots of questions will find their way to the surface. I must not be afraid to ask them, nor be afraid to hear the answers. I must remember how shame can paint such a fearful picture in my mind, see past that, and tap into my courage deep down inside of my heart. Lip service is one thing; I have to prove it through action. Enough said.
Even though it feels I'm at an impasse right now, I am still making progress; the steps I take may appear to be miniscule, and at times microscopic, but I am continuing to move forward. I stay focused, attentive, and strong.