We always hear about “getting even,” or “getting revenge.” At a glance, it appears to be a fair action to take; someone hurts us, and so we hurt them in return. We feel justified because someone takes action against us. Maybe some of us were bullied at school, or at home by our families. Our lives may have been what appeared to be a total war zone to us as children. We were constantly the target of bullying, harassment, and intimidation.
Because I felt so small and powerless, I learned all I could do was to curl up in a ball and “get through it.” Endurance was the only thing I had to help me through for a long time. Eventually, I grew numb of the pain, and resentment took over. That resentment grew into anger, and eventually hatred. Shortly after, my fear took on a different dynamic, and it morphed into feeling of power. My anger allowed me to stand up, stare the bully coldly in the eyes and say, “Are you done yet?”
At that moment, I began to fight back, and “give back” everything that was afflicted upon me. I fought back at first only to protect myself. It wasn’t long after that I would feel uncontrollably angry whenever I fought. I wanted more than to just protect myself; I wanted to seriously injure my adversary, no matter the cost. I didn’t care how badly I hurt them; in fact, I wanted nothing more than to put them into a hospital bed, or worse. To see them lying on the ground bleeding and crying out for help while gasping for a breath of air seemed fair enough to me. After all, they drew first blood, right? I truly wasn’t violent by nature. What happened to me?
Vengeful thoughts took over whenever I got angry. The answer was always to “get even,” no matter the cost. At first, I just wanted to be left alone and be accepted by everyone. I found that I wasn’t, so I felt the need to make myself known and respected, or at least feared. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s exactly what a bully does! Even if I didn’t start the fights, I did my best to find ways to seriously injure the other guy. I wasn’t above grabbing a weapon or something that could be used as one. I was intoxicated with this “power” of getting even. If it meant he may never breathe another breath, so be it.
If I had learned to defend myself enough to temporarily subdue my attacker through Martial Arts, that would have been one thing. Sadly, that wasn’t the case in my life. I felt the whole world was against me, so I had to protect myself in any way possible. Naturally, this feeling stayed with me for many, many years. I was “on patrol” with a gun over my shoulder (proverbially, of course,) even if there was no imminent threat or danger. My only line of defense was to attack viciously and mercilessly if there was the slightest of conflicts. I would explode like a bomb, cool down, and wait until the next thing or person “set me off.” I knew of no other way to resolve a conflict.
Spiritual teachings show us that getting revenge isn’t the answer. It took a while for me to see why, but I believe that I get it now. We fight back, and somehow, the anger of the other person becomes a part of us. When we take part in it, it consumes us too, and so the sickness continues.