February 25, 2012
I've done some research, and it seems that the process I'm going through is very much akin to the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. Powerless indeed. I've tried merely existing, pumping myself full of affirmations, going to church in half-earnestness, swearing off everything and everyone I felt was trouble, and more. It didn't matter what I did; nothing seemed to work. Why? Because there was a part of me that just wouldn't let go. My ego just wouldn't accept the fact that my life had become a "mess." It only wanted to hold on to what was familiar and safe.
Familiar and safe are both misleading terms. In this case, it means to hold on to what I know, regardless if that is a behavior or coping mechanism that is detrimental to me, or to others around me. Having a violent temper towards anyone who challenged my ego was something I never thought of as being a problem. I always thought "this is how I am, this is how I act, and this is how I protect myself from harm." This was unhealthy, and so was my other behavior; being too passive. I would just accept things and people's beliefs or actions as they are, usually out of guilt or shame. Even if they acted against me, I somehow always felt it was my fault. I would internalize this until I could take no more, and the "volcano" would erupt in a blind rage, causing untold harm. I did what I knew to survive. If someone was perceived as a threat, I would go totally on the offense, hoping to scare them away, or at least leave me alone. The trouble with this is that I was afraid most of the time, and so I was always "ready for battle."
For me to accept powerlessness is like rolling over and playing dead. It's a total slap in the face to my ego. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. You couldn't tell my ego that it would lose; it would stop at NOTHING to walk away the winner, even if it meant jeopardizing friendships, alienating family, ending employment, or legal action. You couldn't explain logic, reason, and laws; it claimed to be all-powerful, all-knowing, and invincible. It loudly exclaimed, "Not me! You can't do anything to me! You can't hurt me! You can't control me! Your laws don't apply to me! I'll take you down if it's the last thing that I do!" With logic and reason out the window, you can almost guarantee lots of trouble.
Compassion was something I just couldn't wrap my head around while being the victim. I never thought once that the other person could be hurting inside too. I just felt that they had the upper hand, and that it was totally unfair. I thought that payback was fair and just... Hammurabi's Code was the law that I lived by: An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. It didn't matter if there were legal consequences as a result of my actions. Rage would take center stage and attempt to make it so. If you taunted me with "What are you gonna do about it" I'd show you exactly what I'd do! These days people sue someone when they are attacked, even if they were the instigator. My ego would reply with "I'll give you something to sue me about!" Quite simply put, I believed that I was always the victim, and that the rules don't apply to me....ever.
Powerlessness rears its head when I read, see, or hear about certain things...news articles, talk show topics, bullying, humiliation, abuses of power, fear mongering, corruption, and the like. My ego can't stand the idea of someone or something else having power over it. It resisted violently for decades, convinced that nothing or no one could be of any help in that position. This is why when I read about overzealous law enforcement (as an example,) I feel angered; it resonates so much with my past, and feelings awaken within me. Even though my mind is firmly entrenched in the past, I'm still in the present, and how I may respond is a result of my past. The voice that's heard is that of the angry child, and the ego takes off with it. Usually, it makes me look foolish, and it causes a strain on relationships. Someone who meets me after that more than likely believe me to be immature, childish, or ignorant. Sometimes it leads to more taunting and trouble, and the cycle perpetuates until who knows when!
When it becomes dangerous is when I appear to have the "upper hand," and the ego is fully in charge. A prime example; someone in my childhood bullies me mercilessly, to the point of tears. As the years go by, I remember this from time to time, and hold resentment, and maybe even strong hatred for that person, vowing to get even with them. Twenty years later, I see them at the high school re-union, and almost instantly, those thoughts of torment come to my mind, and my ego gives me a pep talk:
"There he is. Let's go get him. What are you waiting for? There's no finer moment than right now! Are you going to let him get away with that? He hurt us badly! He said and did very mean things, Danny! We can't let him get away with that! Remember who you are! Take care of business! NOW!"
Suddenly, I'm in school again, and the entire trauma plays back in my head. The words, the bruises, and the torment all play out in front of me. My heart races, my hands clench into fists, and a numbness overtakes me. I see the bully walk down the hall alone into the restroom, and I follow him. He's changed over the years, but I still recognize his face. I look at him and he looks at me, He extends his hand and smiles at me, but it's too late. I snarl at him and throw a right cross to his face, knocking him to the ground. He attempts to get back up, but I land another punch, this time knocking him to the floor. I continue to hit him, beating him while screaming at the top of my lungs...
"REMEMBER WHEN YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU SONOFABITCH? YOU BEAT ME UP AND MADE ME LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! I FELT LIKE SHIT BECAUSE OF YOU! HOW DOES IT FEEL NOW, ASSHOLE? HOW DO YOU LIKE BEING THE ONE ON THE GROUND?"
Strangely, the guy doesn't fight back. He cries for help, and begs me to stop hitting him. By now a crowd has formed around and inside the mens's room, and someone has called the police. Within minutes, they arrive, pull me off of him, and I resist every move. I manage to assault a few of the officers who try to stop me, but I'm overpowered, and they take me by the arms, throw me to the floor, and finally handcuff me while I'm still in a blind rage, swearing off everyone and everything around me. After a while, I don't even know what I'm saying; it all just sounds like gibberish. I'm consumed by anger, rage, fear, hurt, and dread as I'm hauled off to jail. I got my revenge all right. I did everything my ego told me to do. It got me to a place that I had absolutely no power in whatsoever. I was in a total state of ...
POWERLESSNESS.
Of course, the ego put me on trial, blaming me for everything that happened, not accepting responsibility for it in any way. "You know, it's all your fault, right? Why the hell did you beat him up? That was stupid and childish! Tell me, why are you so stupid?" I nod and think to myself, "Yeah, it was stupid and childish. It was not necessary. I was wrong. But, I'm not stupid or a bad person for doing it. If anything, I now know next time not to listen to my ego. It's only in search of that next "high," and doesn't care about consequences, morals, or compassion. It only wants what it wants, and doesn't care about anyone else, not even the rest of me. Lesson learned. Point taken."
Amazingly, I was bailed out of jail by, guess who? The guy that I beat up! I turned to face him, and began to apologize. That's when I saw how he was dressed, and I realized that he's a priest! He said that he refused to press charges, and only wants to help. He sincerely apologized for his behavior in the past, and had no idea of how deeply affected I was about it. After leaving the jail, we went out for a cup of coffee, and he told me about how he became a minister. I listened in earnest, and think to myself, "Can I be forgiven for attacking a man of the cloth? I had no idea that someone whom I thought was so bad turned out to be a great guy after all." We discussed religion and forgiveness; and even though I couldn't fully accept his views, he still respected me and what I believed, He extended me an invitation to his church sometime and gave me his phone number, telling me to call anytime I need help.
Two things; One; thankfully, the police arrived and in time before something really bad could have happened. My ego would have egged me on to do more than I was already doing. It would have urged me to do something that might have landed me in prison for the rest of my life. Two; this entire story was fiction, and none of this actually happened. It was just an illustration of what happens when my ego takes control. I have had some pretty intense situations occur in my life because of it, but thankfully, nothing that could put me away for a long time! Those that failed I consider to be as a result of Divine Intervention of some sort. I just can't chalk it up to "chance."
When I am a victim, it's very hard to realize that the attacker is a person too, and they are only doing what they know to survive. Attacking anyone is a sign of weakness in some way, and is driven deep down inside by fear. That person may look tough or clever on the outside, but you can almost guarantee that there is fear looming inside, and this is how they are dealing with it. Maybe that big guy who pushes the little guy around was a little guy at one time and was pushed around too, or a victim of domestic violence? You just never know.
Each one of us has a story to tell, and we tell it in our own ways through our daily interactions with others. It is how we choose to see our lives that is the blueprint of how we behave, think, react, and understand what's going on around us. I was a wounded child, a soldier on the battlefield of life. I tried to hold on to everything desperately, no matter how much it hurt. Once I began to see just how much I was hurting, I began a process of letting go of that arsenal of trouble and suffering. Admitting that I was powerless was the hardest, yet most crucial step in the healing process. My ego had me blinded, and at times still tries to trick me. Call it the darker forces, or what you will, that seem to sense this and know just how to "push my buttons." It's all just a game, and nothing more.
Admitting that I'm powerless is to admit that I'm only human, will make mistakes, might make someone angry, and will not always win. I am on this planet with others who, even though they appear to be stronger in one moment, are just as vulnerable as I am to the ego, or self-destructive behaviors. Having compassion for those people is yet another step on the "road to recovery," or the path as I know it.
The journey continues...