February 17, 2012
Healing from years of pain is a long and challenging process...sometimes it has hidden "surprises" that had been dormant for a long time, or I didn't know existed. They are revealed, and might be just as traumatic as I remember. However, I don't re-live the feeling; I watch it from a distance, like a movie. I am then able to see where or why it came into play at a certain time.
It would be much too easy to say that this all started when my mom passed away, but not all of it did. In fact, it appears that it took some time for that to "sink in," and other factors were involved too. Who did what or didn't do what isn't important. People who are hurting, hurt other people too, whether I want to accept it or not. I did what I knew to do to survive through those painful moments.
Today is a new day, and yesterday's pain doesn't have to influence it. I consciously make the choice to see the good things and people in my life. I know that I am not alone, nor am I trapped in some prison of my own design.
The days when I need to open the door can be the most difficult. To stay in familiarity is much too painful. The cost exceedingly outweighs the gains. The lessons repeat themselves until I finally accept and take them on. I continue to peel back the layers, allowing the feelings to escape and dissipate to the surface. Occasionally, a big "piece" breaks off and a tremendous weight is lifted from me. Other times, it's a smaller slice that is but a splinter.
To extract these splinters can be discouraging, disheartening, and frustrating. I want larger pieces to break off instead because I want to feel that I'm making lots of progress. Truth is, I AM making tremendous progress, especially on those days! Just the fact that I want to keep at it no matter what, is a victory in itself. It says that I would much rather work through and feel the pain than to avoid it and be numb of it.
Denial of it is what got me into this in the first place. Minimizing my pain, pretending it's "just who I am and I'll never change," and blaming others for my problems only prolong it over time, keeping it alive. Yes, I was hurt many times, but I also did my share of hurting others too. To continue to live my life as the brain loop would dictate endlessly is to ensure that I will die away slowly, never having a chance to enjoy life as it is, unfettered and in all its glory.
As uncomfortable (and at times terrifying) these changes might appear to be, I know that I must accept them and embrace them, in order to continue growing and walking down the path.