January 24, 2012
Tonight, I watched the President of the United States give the State of the Union Address. I mean, I actually watched it. I listened to every word the man said, and absorbed it. At the same time, I knew that my ego wanted to take pot shots at everything that he referenced to, and some did make it to my Facebook wall, albeit watered down and civilized. I noticed the tension rising between friends, and wisely stood back from it. I knew that if my ego caught wind of that, it would want to jump right in and add to the "fire." In fact, I offered to put duct tape over my mouth so that I wouldn't say anything disparaging for the sake of everyone else! Running my mouth on impulse almost always leads to some kind of trouble!
Here's how I know when to shut up: When it's a knee-jerk reaction to something, it's usually not worth saying in the first place. If it's something that rises within me strongly, but not in a rapid fire manner, it has much more thought. As a result, I tend to take others into consideration much more often. If I feel the need to take a verbal jab at someone for "no apparent reason," I know it's my ego wanting to do it. That jealous feeling that I feel is my way of projecting my own dissatisfaction upon someone else. For instance, if I feel that someone is better at something than me, my normal procedure would be to say the first "clever" thing that seems to jump out at me, regardless of the consequences. If I make a complete and utter fool of myself, my ego doesn't see that. Why? Not because it doesn't want to; because it doesn't have a PLAN.
When I say that I'm a "play it by ear," kind of guy, I mean it. I've always lived my life in this manner, riding every wave that comes, from the insane highs to the unbearable lows. As a result, it's been a pretty wild ride; not all good, and not all bad either. I ran from words like PLAN, STRUCTURE, and DISCIPLINE as far as I could. I had a most convenient excuse in claiming that if I do those things, it will take all the spontaneity out of life. Indeed, it would take some of it away, but it would also smooth out at least some of the bumps along the way. Efforts were made to teach me about this as a child, but they never took. I wasn't a total rebel, but I didn't play completely by the rules either. Chalk it up to whatever "flavor of the day" I appeared to be experiencing (ADD, depression, bipolar disorder, borderline, etc.) Whatever it was, it didn't matter. I clearly refused to put any effort into it. Why? Because I felt that whenever I had any kind of responsibility, I just assumed that I couldn't do it, and that to fail would mean uncertain doom. Very convenient!
These days I'm in situations where I simply must sit down and take the time to put some kind of structure into my life, as it's required for my continued success. Learning to play music that takes more than one run through is common, and at first, it was intimidating for me. I was on "cruise control," for so long, and getting out of my comfort zone was, to be honest, scary. Thankfully, I have friends who are willing to work with me and to be patient. They see my capabilities and talent, and go to great lengths to help me see that I don't need to "cop out," when I have difficulty learning something. This has also transcended into the world outside of music, and has helped me to learn that I AM capable of doing things AND that I am capable of making mistakes, learning from them, and moving on. It turns out that it's OK to be human after all!
Beating myself up for not getting something the first time, or any time, is an exercise in self-defeating behavior. My dad has tried to tell me all these years, but it just wouldn't sink in. I don't think that I'd allow myself to believe it. How could I? I couldn't even begin to tell him how I felt every single day. All I knew to do was react to everything, usually in a negative manner. You can imagine what kind of tone that sets for the entire day! I can't blame it on everyone else anymore; I have to be ACCOUNTABLE and RESPONSIBLE, whether I like it or not. Contrary to what I may believe, these are good things, and are a part of planning.
I've tried countless times, albeit halfheartedly, to make a schedule for my daily activities. Each attempt was just that; an attempt. It was usually done out of guilt or fear, neither of which are very good motivators for me, or most other people. I didn't feel it in my heart that I needed to really put 100% effort into this. As a matter of fact, I don't think that I've put 100% effort into very much else in my life when it comes to being held accountable by other people. There's a long list of people who can attest to that fact. That was then, this is now. Doing enough to "get by," is no way to live! It's merely existing, hoping to stay "off the radar" as much as possible.
Skating along, even in my profession, is unacceptable, and I realize this. To be with the caliber of musicians that I am with is a blessing, to say the least. It also requires lots of time, dedication, commitment, and even some sweat on my part. Again, I'm thankful for the support and encouragement that I receive regularly. I have someone saying,
"You CAN do this! I will show you, work with you, and then I will let you do it on your own. If you fall down, I'll be right here next to you. I'll help you back up, but I won't do the things that you need to do for yourself. You need to stand on your own, and you need to fall too. As much as I'd like to cushion the bumps every time when you do fall, I can't. You won't learn anything if you don't. Most of all, you won't learn anything if I end up doing it for you. It's OK to be human."
And so planning comes to mind; what will I do next? Where do I begin? What are some good ideas? How long will it take? Asking myself empowering questions might just be what I need to go in the right direction. Asking myself, "CAN I do this? Am I capable or intelligent enough?" are things I'd rather not ask myself, because I know what the answer will be.
No.
I'm giving myself some slack this time, and I say...
YES. I CAN do this.