How many of us, on several occasions during the day, feel the need to raise our voices? I’m not talking about when we’re having fun on a roller coaster or when we’re genuinely trying to get someone’s attention from a distance. I’m talking about when it happens in situations that aren’t going according to plan. Unruly kids, insubordinate employees or co-workers, or stubborn family members can appear to make us feel angry, and so we react in the way that we know best – take it out upon them. We release our anger and rage, usually profanity-laced, buying into the image that we feel vindicated because we “let it out,” hoping desperately that we have indeed won the battle. If our nemesis backs down with their tail between their legs, we feel that we are the victors, further reinforcing this behavior, as it seems to work for us.
On the surface, it may appear that it does. The other party seems frightened, or upset, walking away from you. What you don’t see is the resentment that is building up as they walk away. Perhaps it’s the child that is cowering down from you because you yelled at him when he couldn’t give you the correct answer to his math homework. You became frustrated because you couldn’t find a way to make it any simpler for him, and it bothered you because he just didn’t “get it.” That tense feeling gave way to acting out on him, in a way that essentially said, “C’mon, stupid! Don’t you get it? This isn’t rocket science you know!”
Is it possible that maybe you don’t want to feel embarrassed by the fact that your kid can’t fathom this so-called simple math problem? You can’t bear the possibility that there might be a learning disability of some sort? No, you can’t. You’re too busy taking out your anger on your son, not seeing the beliefs and conclusions that you are helping to form in his mind? It’s too late…he’s terrified of learning and asking questions. You’ve cast the die for a very difficult future for your child.
Yelling is really saying, “I don’t know what to do here! I’m at the end of my rope! I need to be left alone!” Getting defensive means we are feeling weak, and we’ll do whatever we need to do to protect ourselves. It has nothing to do with being tough or strong. We do it because we have no other option. If we are brought up in a family where it’s the first line of defense, then the chances of working through our problems diminishes. Instead, we fight to protect ourselves, because everything is a threat to us.
Yours truly has struggled with intense angry outbursts since childhood. Bad tempers are hereditary, apparently, and no one seems to know any way of dealing with them. I had the worst of any of them; destroying property, throwing things, calling those who hurt me every name in the book, getting physically violent and almost becoming a criminal. I allowed those feelings of anger and rage to fill me, because I was afraid.
As time went on, I saw that my behavior was a result of my environment. The choices I made were a result of it. I learned that I do have choices as to whether or not I let something bother me. You’ve heard the phrase, “stop and think,” a million times. Try it the next time you’re ready to rip someone’s head off. What happens next may surprise you, and your opponent. If you don’t, your anger owns YOU.